beautiful seed

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Somehow i managed to keep my promise. Somehow you seem to give me the strength to carry on, to shift my focus onto my studies, to ensure that i study hard and not let you down. I managed to refrain myself from crying, but i didn't manage to refrain myself from thinking of you once in a while, when i am studying, Somehow you just came into my mind, I would think of the happy days we had together, how much we enjoyed eash other's company, how much you took care of me when i was young, hw you protected me from being caned by my parents, how heartbroken you'll be when my parents cane me for being naughty. My thoughts will wander off, but after a while, i'll tell myself that i've to focus on my studies because that's what you wanted. I do think of you when i'm in bed, i'm still having sleepless nights cos i'm thinking of you. I still wake up in the morning wondering how are you today. But I've stop crying, cos i know it's useless and if you don't like me to cry. I'm picking myself up, but i would never stop worrying about you. To tell you the truth, I leave in fear everyday. I fear that you'll leave me one day, I fear that you'll wipe me off your memory, I fear that i'll lose my pillar of support, I fear that i would not have the strength to live on without you....I'm really scared. I'll move on with life, but you'll always be on mind....

[praying hard that you'll get well]

Friday, September 29, 2006

I cried myself to sleep for the past two nights. I fell asleep thinking of you, i dreamt of you and woke up many times during the night and wonder how can i help you get well. I woke up in the morning with tears at the corner of my eyes. You are the 1st person that came into my mind. wondering how are you today, whether you'll be better, or is it still the same? Many thoughts just flashed in my mind. My mind was in a whirl. I simply don't know what to do.I have no mood to do anything, I didn't have the mood to study for my exams, I didn't have the mood to do my paper. I was just thinking of you all the time. It seems useless and maybe abit stupid, but i can't help but think of you all the time. I tried very hard to force myself to stop crying, telling myself that crying wouldn't help. but my tears just break free at the thought of you, at the thought of you suffering. I tried my best to force myself to study, telling myself that i have to do well to make you proud of me, telling myself that i must pass my promos so that i can at least be a step closer to entering the university. But again, I just couldn't. I cannot focus, because it's you that i'm thinking about! You just fill up the whole of my mind. My friends were telling me that such things are beyond our control and it's common among old people, but why must it be you of all people? Why must people like you suffer all your life? Slogged all your life and get nothing in return? Why? I really wish i could do something. But i'm just as helpless as anyone else. I promise i'll shift my focus onto my studies and do well for the last 2 papers. I will and I must. Like i said, that's the only way i can repay you for all that you've done for me. For taking such good care of me, for filling up my life with precious memories. Excelling in my studies is the only way to show you my gratititude, and i know you've always wanted me to do well in my studies and also to be a happy girl. So i'll listen to you, i'll stop crying, i'll be a happy person just like before, i'll strive hard in my studies. I'll not let you down!!! I promise!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Why must such a thing happen to u? why must it be u of all people?! i really dun understand. u were once my pillar of support, u were once the only one who could tolerate all my nonsense (my cryings and my naughtiness). u were the one who took good care of me. u were the one who had the patience to take care of me. When everyone including my parents couldn't tolerate my cryings, u were there to comfort me. to stop me from crying. u gave me so much love, so much more than u've given to ur daughters. u nv complained about the trouble i caused, u never showed a sign of tiredness even though u had to take care of me for 5 days every week, for 4 years. waking up in the middle of the nite to feed me, to make sure i sleep well, to make sure i'm safe. Not a single word of complain came out from u, not a single sign of tiredness, all that i could see was joy. Pure joy. Even when i started school and no longer stay with you, u would always call me during the holidays to ask when i'm going to ur hse. i was always on ur mind. And whenever i go to ur house, u would be beaming with joy,cooking all my favourite dishes, always asking me to stay over for a few days. And whenever my parents came to fetch me home, u'll look down from ur corridor and wave goodbye until my dad's car is gone. Even when u could hardly remember anyone in the recent years, u nv forget abt me. You always asked about me. That was a comfort for me. At the very least, u could still remember me and a few of ur family member. I know i've an important place in ur heart. likewise, u do have a significant place in mine. I wouldn't be who I am today without you.
But, when i went to visit you today, the greatest horror struck me! U asked me who am i? At that moment, i really wanted to cry. My heart broke at that very moment. I'm upset not mainly because u couldn't recognise me, but for the fact that ur condition had gone worse. I just couldn't accept the fact that god is being so unfair to you. I couldn't accept the fact that you have to suffer. I hate myself for not being able to do anything for you. I had so much to tell you, yet when i saw you today, i just couldn't say a thing. I just stared and stared and stared into the sky, trying very hard to control my tears. I wanted so much to just breakdown and cry out loud, but i didn't dare to. It breaks my heart to see you like that. I blame myself for not being able to do anything for you. You were well known for ur kindheartedness, ur good temper, ur patience and every good qualities person can have, u have them all!You are a perfect person. yet such a thing can happen to you. It really makes me wonder whether does it really pay to be kind? Will you get better? Will you remember me when i visit you again?Will you still think of me? Will you still ask me to stay over and accompany you? Do i still have a chance to show my love for you. Will you be able to understand? I promise you i'll study really hard and make sure i graduate from a university. I want you to be there,to see me in my graduation gown. I want to do you proud. That's the only way i can repay you for all that you've done for me. Even if you couldn't remember me, i'll still want you to be there to share my happiness. You've watched me grow up for 18yrs, and this shall continue. I want you to be there to see me in my graduation gown, to see me in my wedding gown, to witness my wedding, to witness the birth of my child. I want you to be there at every phase of my life, every chapter, every page. I just want you to be there, even if you cant remember a thing. Because i know deep down in ur heart,i have a place. Beacuse i know you want me to become somebody some day. Because i know no matter what, you still care for me, you want me to be happy. Many things may have changed, but the bond we shared, the love u had showered me with, ur love for me and your importance in my heart, the love i have for you will never change. I swear it never will. I just want you to get well, that's the only request i have for you. I'm willing to do anything for you, even at the expense of my life. All i want is to see you well again, to see the cheerful, chirpy you again. You had done so much for me, but at this moment, what can i do for you? tell me....please. I really hate to see you in this state, I hate it, the feeling is awful. I dun have the mood to do anything at all, cos my whole mind is all you! My heart is with you. Please get well.....

[heartbroken]