beautiful seed

Friday, September 29, 2006

I cried myself to sleep for the past two nights. I fell asleep thinking of you, i dreamt of you and woke up many times during the night and wonder how can i help you get well. I woke up in the morning with tears at the corner of my eyes. You are the 1st person that came into my mind. wondering how are you today, whether you'll be better, or is it still the same? Many thoughts just flashed in my mind. My mind was in a whirl. I simply don't know what to do.I have no mood to do anything, I didn't have the mood to study for my exams, I didn't have the mood to do my paper. I was just thinking of you all the time. It seems useless and maybe abit stupid, but i can't help but think of you all the time. I tried very hard to force myself to stop crying, telling myself that crying wouldn't help. but my tears just break free at the thought of you, at the thought of you suffering. I tried my best to force myself to study, telling myself that i have to do well to make you proud of me, telling myself that i must pass my promos so that i can at least be a step closer to entering the university. But again, I just couldn't. I cannot focus, because it's you that i'm thinking about! You just fill up the whole of my mind. My friends were telling me that such things are beyond our control and it's common among old people, but why must it be you of all people? Why must people like you suffer all your life? Slogged all your life and get nothing in return? Why? I really wish i could do something. But i'm just as helpless as anyone else. I promise i'll shift my focus onto my studies and do well for the last 2 papers. I will and I must. Like i said, that's the only way i can repay you for all that you've done for me. For taking such good care of me, for filling up my life with precious memories. Excelling in my studies is the only way to show you my gratititude, and i know you've always wanted me to do well in my studies and also to be a happy girl. So i'll listen to you, i'll stop crying, i'll be a happy person just like before, i'll strive hard in my studies. I'll not let you down!!! I promise!