beautiful seed

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I finally understand how it feels like when others unknowingly just neglect ur feelings. I know it's not on purpose, and i'm not putting the blame on anyone. Just that i regret saying certain things unknowingly that might have hurt others or remind them of something unpleasant. I just feel that we've to be more observant and really think twice before we speak or get ourselves engrossed in a conversation. Because the feeling is horrible when everyone is talking abt something which u so much hope u can be involved, but somehow u just cant fit in or bcos u are uncertain of when u'll be able to join in the conversation.

My mood has been super duper down these 2 days, due to the feeling of anxiety and emptiness. I just cant wait to receive the replies from the various uni, be it good news or bad news. I'm tired of waiting, and to be honest, i'm not very optimistic about the replies. It makes me feel very frustrated. Everyone is planning for their future, aft being accepted or rejected. People are talking about the various uni courses that they want to choose, how are they going to spend uni life and so on. But here i am, still waiting for a letter ( hopefully not in vain). Everyone is asking me which uni i'm going, whether i've received any replies, why are they

taking so long etc etc.... COME ON! If i know the answer, I would not be

feeling so DOWN NOW!!!!! SO, just give me a break from all these nonsense! The feeling really sucks when everyone is talking about uni stuff and here i am wondering when i'll get the letter. It just pissed me off.

To make things worse, i no longer have work or challenging students to keep me occupied and not think about all these. Somehow i just wish that time can stand still and not let this term come to an end. When i'm all alone, memories of the past 2 terms just keep flashing in my mind. The good times, the bad times just keep coming to my mind. To be honest, i really miss those times, be it good or bad. I miss the fun-filled lunches, the other 3 comrades of mine, our spy (who did a wonderful job, though the msg might be delivered late at times) and ofcourse, my students. I just felt so empty when i woke up on Saturaday( 1 day aft the last day of sch). I just felt that life now is too peaceful for me to take it. It's an uncomfortable feeling that cant be described, or maybe i just don't know how to describe it. Relief teaching had really made me become a stronger person. It has allowed me to know how "dangerous" a workplace can be and how difficult it is to find someone whom u can trust and who is really your friend. I'm really glad that i was given this opportunity to widen my horizons. And i'm greatful for a wonderful boss/friend, who never fail to stand up for us, to protect us, to support us, to cheer us on, to lend us a listening ear and many many more. :) my 3 comrades who is always willing to help me, or sometimes even allow me to vent my frustrations and never fail to brighten my day. And not forgetting, the wonderful kids who are capable of making u mad and then make u happy again, who never fail to create trouble and then apologise to you. It's these people who make me feel sad to leave, who make me want to turn back time. But, i know, it's time to keep all these precious moments in my heart and move on. I know it's hard, but that's the reality of LIFE!